The Monkey and The Jew


Hail, HAIL and Hearken fellow outcasts and misanthropes, demons and devils all! Gather round, take a seat, fill your black mushroom pipes with briny tobac dew and if you will, put up those tired cloven feet whether you have nine or seventy-two.

Let down your cowls; stretch out your hides, refreshment platters on the left, defecation pit on your right, have I got a tale for you!!! This little yarn dates back to days of yore, those frightful days of fancy, not quite so much unlike our own but with less girls named Nancy. And Shaniqua.

The setting you ask? Why, right here of course? What better place than here? For I am here, and we, and you and me and us. Now please don’t sneer, I mean it truly, take a glance around. Our scattered little meta-tribe is gathered here, what better place than this, what better time to tell the tale than now? Just turn your eyes over the ledge into yon precipice. Use Devil’s sight to augment night and look all the way down.

And down below you’ll see a single set of bones, quite worn from wind and sun. They’ve been there awhile, more than awhile, there days are long since done. At their expense let’s have some fun, a guffaw, AH HAH! or two, while I recount a grand old tale, a devilish tale, a marvelous tale… concerning a Monkey, and a Jew.

So we begin…

Joshua Jew was piously walking, small satchel on shoulder he had

Down a razor sharp canyon, which all whom had known it, would say it was wicked and bad

But Joshua Jew was a man of the Lord, that great odious dick in the sky

He could recite every psalm, word and limerick he’d heard, NO WAY great Yahweh’d let him die

And galumphing on down the opposite path, was a developing primate named Stu

And upon his broad back did he carry a sack, full of all things quite novel and new

A fork and a spoon, a silver comb to help groom and round marbles of dark shiny glass

Other things filled the pack but of all on his back, these small things did he find to have class

Now the gulley was tight, barely room for a breath in some places where east met the west

And it was at such a place that the Monkey and Jew did happen to meet, both wishing to stop for a rest

In that echoing corridor of dark jagged earth, eyes of Zealous brown met Morningstar blue

Neither having seen the likes of the other before and neither quite knowing what the other might do

But with excited good form, the primate named Stu did greet loudly the other in view

“Greetings, well met, hi and hello there, I hope you fair well this fine day. My name is Stu-uu-uu-uuu!”

With a bob and a nod that were both far too curt, did the other snip back a most snorting retort

“Feh! Chutzpah! Oy vey! I am J(Y)oshua and I am Jew! And it is with the likes of you I do not wish to consort! “

Not knowing some words Stu tried once again, maintaining his most courteous manner and composure,

“Shall we share camp for the night? I’ll make fire for light and to protect us from overexposure-ure…ure…urer”

A sneer and a snort-ort…ort…orttt! were the Jew’s only retort as he sat with his back in a nook

Untying his satchel pack and pulling it off his thin back he settled down with a large heavy book

Not deterred in the least by such a display of derision, Stu set about readying camp and provisions

The waterproof blanket his youngest had stitched him, sweet Lucy with hair of dark crimson

The black iron cauldron his oldest had cast, stern looking Levi, well-muscled and growing in fame

And his most favorite of thing that his Mrs.’s bade take him? her breath in a bottle which shot out black flame

So with blanket to ward him from evening’s harsh chill and the cauldron containing a cubed bullion brew

Stu opened the bottle which shot out the flame, not catching the scowl of fear from the Jew out of view

Quite comfortable stirring the brew to a simmer, he barely heard Joshua stutter and twitter

Thinking again to offer warmth and hot food, Stu turned towards the nook to check on that odd Jew critter

With hexagram crafted from pure sacred gold, Joshua Jew held his out his sacred symbol and tome

Eyes alight with the luster of fanatical acclaim, the Jew danced slowly toward Stu crying out his god’s name

“In the name of Great Adonai I command you oh devil-EVIL…EVIL…EVILLL!”

“Set aside your dark tools and lay prostrate! Be humble-BLE…BLE…BLLE!”

Stu was transfixed by such an odd, silly sight, he knew not whether to laugh or set the weird Jew alight

He knew that gold symbol his wife would adore, with a gift such as that she’d keep him up nine nights or more

Yet not knowing the power of yon interesting fellow, he let Joshua Jew get closer and closer as he bellowed

When the zealot came closer and Stu came to smell him, he let his nose wrinkle up and his face turned quite yellow

And do you know what Stu did next, when the screeching and preaching and odor assailed him? Why, he lost all his appetite, picked up that boiling cauldron and brained that obnoxiously loud, pretentious little Jew right in his curly haired tea-cozy covered head. Brains splattered everywhere and it was a glorious sight and the developing primate named Stu, tossed Joshua’s body right into the pot to see what misplaced self-righteousness tasted like.

The Fucking End!

Hail Satan and Goodnight!

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